I wear those T-shirts a lot. Yet, in the final stretch of 58 years, I still don’t know how to completely deny myself and be willing to risk everything to follow Jesus. But I learn more every day. Mostly through my own failures. Like what I'm talking about today.
As much as I try to be a good person and not compromise on the words of Jesus, sometimes I suck at it. That’s what grace, forgiveness, and confessing your faults to one another are for.
Thank God for grace! I’m thankful to be able to see what needs to change, even if sometimes it’s in embarrassing hindsight. Amazing grace is instantaneous though. In my weakness He is strong.
When I feel disqualified, hurt, or discouraged and want to give up this keeps me going. Billions don’t know Jesus. Many have never heard of Him. How could I not want others to experience the grace that saved a wretch like me?
That urgency is what keeps me going. Keeps me focused. Defines my priorities. It’s the only measure of success that matters.
I’m guilty of a lot of things. 100% human. I’ve disappointed myself and others. Some deserved, some not. But my stumbles are never someone else’s fault. We are tempted by our own desires.
If I’ve ever let you down or disappointed you, please call me out on that. When wrong, a Jesus follower doesn’t blame or make excuses. They repent. If that’s not who I want to be then I’m a liar and the truth is not in me.
Much of this calling that chose me is public. On purpose, I try to be open and honest about successes and failures in hopes that others will be encouraged, enlightened, and challenged to follow Jesus without compromise.
Though I’m perfectly imperfect, one thing I can say without hesitation. My singular goal in the Kingdom is to make disciple-makers. I hope that’s very obvious, even when I get it wrong.
By nature, I’m very extreme. All or nothing. Hair long or short. Follow Jesus, or not. And that "not" is a bad place for not just me - but those in my circle of influence. I'm not tempted to hang out in bars and stuff like that anymore. The temptations are more subtle but just as dangerous.
My biggest struggle? Compassion for complacent consumer Christians who are stuck in the petty bickering caused by weeds and thorns of Matthew 13. I know what it takes for me to get out of those weeds. It's all about seeking the Kingdom first in every priority of life. The priorities of my calendar, finances, habits, commitment, and willingness to selflessly serve and show up for others.
If I don't fast and pray regularly, skip my reading and study times, and don't have Gospel conversations and multiple gatherings with disciples each week - temptations will get the best of me. When someone else is struggling, that's what I try to help them understand and commit to.
Some are offended by that. Some spring up quickly but then fall away. Some get stuck in the weeds and don't really want out. Some don't like it when you mess with the weeds we all have in life's garden.
Accountability and reconciliation are two sides of the same coin. If you run from one, you'll never find the other. And it's really easy to fall into the trap of judgment and condemnation. I know, because I've been guilty of that.
Lately, a number of situations have led me to understand that I’ve been hanging on to some hurt and anger that’s been hiding in the shadows of self-righteousness. I hate that. It’s grotesque and diabolical.
And it’s one of the most dangerous soul traps of our modern times.
We’ve replaced face-to-face accountability with text-to-text vagueness and mind-reading between the lines. It’s easy to be disconnected from people yet still be connected electronically. And so we watch the disconnected from the sidelines blaming one another for not connecting. Refresh feed and repeat.
That makes it hard to let go when someone has hurt you - intentionally or not. Deserved or not. If you forget about it, don't worry, unless you block or hide, social media will keep reminding you of people who by their choice are no longer a meaningful part of your life or walk with Jesus.
And it hurts when you are hurting. Even if you tried reconciling. Even if you love and still pray for them. Whether you were wrong or right in the circumstances that divided, we weren't designed to know so much about people that aren't even in your circle.
I didn't really see it until recently. I just knew it felt like I was carrying heavy baggage around. The problem is never "them." It's always me.
And so, over the past few days, I've gone through a process of confession and forgiveness. I was wrong. Thankful to be able to see that now. Confessing our faults one to another is where healing begins.
I can believe the best about a drug addict hanging on by a thread. The consumer Christian? “Not” so much. That's on me. Not them.
In the past 8 years of church planting, the only cruelty, lies, disrespect, gossip, and condemnation I've faced has come from Christians - in and out of our church. Some of it rightly deserved. Without Jesus I suck.
But I must confess that I've not always rejoiced when it felt like persecution. I've not always loved my enemies and my neighbors. I've not always forgiven wrongs from the heart, and not just from logic and rule-keeping. A shepherd never blames the sheep - or the goats.
But I did. I do. And it's wrong. Without Jesus, I suck.
Yet, the good news is - that's not even who I am. I am forgiven. I am a child of God. When that "not" Aubrey shows up, it's just an old zombie me trying to stay alive. Following Jesus with honesty, accountability, and forgiveness is the only thing that keeps him in the grave.
With Jesus, I am crucified - but only as I am willing to die to my own selfishness and pride. This most recent chink in the spiritual armor is embarrassing and painful. But so worth the struggle and failures. Without it, I wouldn't have seen this Light that exposes darkness.
But repentance isn't just recognizing wrong and being sorry about it. Repentance is about change. Some things are going to change. I'll be posting more about that later.
Maybe now I need a new T-shirt. How does, "With Jesus, I Don't Think Others Suck" sound?
Btw - these T-shirts are great for starting Gospel conversations! Check them out here:
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